Today was a hard day. After 17 years of living with diabetes, today I came to realize how hard it sometimes is.
For the last 17 years I brushed off how hypos and hypers affect how I do simple, daily tasks. I was diagnosed when I was only 5 years old. My whole childhood was filled with hypos and hypers, so it’s understandable that it’s become “normal” for me to feel too unwell or weak to do simple tasks on days when my sugars are running low, or high. My family made it so easy for all those years to make me feel normal and not like there was something wrong with me when all I could do was sit all day or lie in bed. They never once made me feel bad for needing to do that.
Today my sugars stayed in the 20s and wouldn’t come down for a good few hours. And when they did finally come down they came with a big crash. Leaving me feeling exhausted and weak… just wanting to sleep all day.
I’ve been staying with my boyfriend for about a month now and I’ve got to see how hard working he is every single day, even on his days off work. I’ve also been spending more time and going out with my friends. It’s become my new normal to get up every day and do things no matter what. So to feel so exhausted and weak and just wanting to sleep now leaves me feeling so angry and useless. I feel useless… I feel like I’m using my diabetes as an excuse to be lazy.
Some days I push myself too hard. I force myself to clean an entire house while my body shakes and my head starts to spin. I force myself to go to a mall while my legs feel to weak to even walk to the car.
In my 17 years of living with a broken pancreas, today it truly hit me hard that my hypos and hypers will affect my daily living and tasks. And for people who haven’t had to live with it or live with someone with it… they won’t fully understand. And that’s okay.
I have to keep telling myself that deep down I know that it’s not true when I tell myself I’m useless and that this chronic illness will get the best of me some days and it’s okay to listen to my body and just sit back.